hey so like, this whole entries about animal death. just a heads up

today could've been a completely normal day man but ya know,

can't have shit in detroit

my sisters in town, she's apperantly moving like, way up north because she's breaking up with her boyfriend. we actually had a civil conversation in the applebee's so thats good. we bonded over what ssri's we take and that we can't sleep without meds, fun times. she's in town to go to drive up with mom to her dad's funeral service (i mean hes been cremated but like, still. funerals a funeral.) thats a state away and i have to feed the dogs for the weekend. i dont mind as long as mom leaves the key this time so i don't have to crawl through the dog door again. and she did.

i wish i had got there sooner.

maybe then i wouldn't have opened the door to precious dead on the floor.

she was so small. she must have been so scared.

theres no way i could've known, ya know.

but i still hate that thats how my day ended.

surprisingly sobering experience to have the guy who's digging a hole for her ask you to roll a blunt for him though, it snapped me out of it for a couple hours. i haven't been alone for about 8 hours now, whether it be from sitting at my roommates house with their new puppy to taking the other dog from my moms house for the weekend who's snoozing behind me right now at the foot of my bed. i can't close my eyes for too long without seeing her dead on the floor. i know they can't really help it, but the fact she's killed small animals before makes me think mom should have gotten rid of the other dog sooner. but that's hindsight, i guess.

good things have been happening lately, but i can't stop thinking about it. figured writing it down would help me compartmentalize a bit, but all it's given me is the sniffles and a headache again. moms gone from having three dogs to one. i feel the worst for her honestly. she's up in another state and not coming back until sunday, she has to sit with that all weekend. i can't imagine how upsetting it was to hear me over the phone hysterical about one of her dogs killing the other. having to work through her grief to call someone to help clean up and bury her because i couldn't get myself off the floor.

i'm angry. i'm sad. i'm numb. and it just keeps circling around. but i'll live.
it just has to hurt for awhile.