went to my doctor and had to be kind of flowery with my language for him to finally think about changing my meds after having advocated for it for a couple of months now. think telling him i was 'emotionally destitute and craving something to feel' really hammered it home. i should write poetry.

granted, its been winter yea sure, no sun makes the funny chemical go away but like, it was like that before. but i'm on a new ssri and day one i'm already crying about a man sewing a teddy bear out of one of his dad that recently passed aways old shirts. so hey, it's a feeling at least.

a usual tell for if my moods unstable is if i can sing without crying, and i can! had a nice little session in the car on the way to work this morning, so i think we're good actually, i'm just feeling my feelings again. which is great. contrary to popular belief i do in fact like to feel things that aren't just the crushing numbness of the daily grind.

also did you know that grapefruit is the fruit that fucks with your meds. because i sure forgot. guess what i was drinking a lot of when i was in Japan. that would bb chocola sparkling, which is grapefruit flavored.

ahahaha oopsa. no wonder i was feeling weird the entire time there.

i finally have a haircut scheduled to fix my damn blond streak, and also my friend has her appointment to get her crazy do that she wants finally. which is great because she deserves it. it just sucks it has taken us this long to get it scheduled but alas, we are both adults and trying to match up our schedules is a nightmare and a half. ugh.

speaking of nightmares i have a physical coming up at the beginning of April that i am less than enthused about. it's for a good cause, ya know so i can keep taking my birth control and everything, but it's making me nervous because i have no idea how to prepare for a physical, or if you need to prepare for a physical at all. maybe worth a google later when i get some time after work.

my little package of serotonin from my favorite second hand seller finally came in today, i messaged them asking if they were okay in their part of the country and thankfully they messaged back that they were so thats a relief. the world is so so scary right now and you should check on your folks.

you know i'm actually feeling the urge to do my laundry when i get home today? usually i like to wait until the weekend to do it because it takes so long but if i forego my usually 4pm nap time i can get so many things done instead. i will be exhausted the next day but hey you gotta take the extra spoons when you can.

i need to get better about just, coming in here and saying words more often when the fancy strikes me. formatting the post is the hard part though, i actually have to copy paste code instead of clicking a button and typing willy nilly. surely if i continue to do it more often it will become easier, and the time will pass anyway so yay, looking forward to spending more time doing that. you know maybe this new medication is doing it's job since i'm actually feeling hopeful instead of putting on the facade of it like usual.

it feels good to feel again. remember to take your meds folks.