Date: 10/10/2024
Mood: well now what
gotta do it all over
well that job finally came through, only problem is now i feel bad about uprooting and leaving after being there for only about 6 months and actually making nice with all the people that i work with
now i gotta get used to a whole new set of personalities and find more places to hide whenever i'm Not Feeling It Boss
my work was easy, it was repetitive but it was easy. but i think the only thing holding me back was the growing agoraphobia that's been festering in me since... well about 2019 to be honest.
ya know, when we all got locked inside and everything sucked, it still sucks but it really sucked then. and now i'm going to be cooped inside an office doing paperwork with like, zero outside folks to bother me.
it's like the dream right? but i still kind of feel bad for leaving so soon. there was about three people i actively talked to there that i knew their names but, i have to remember that as soon as our pay went up they cut our hours HARD and that pissed me off. just gotta hold onto that so it doesn't hurt my feelings nearly as much when i leave next week, ya know?
also? small pay increase and the hours are more normal instead of mid day to ass o'clock at night.
and on the plus side they don't mind i had a previous engagement planned for the end of december coming up, which i still need to buy the plane ticket for. oops.
journaling is nice, i should do it more often. helps you compartmentalize a little better.
Date: 9/13/2024
Mood: kicking butt
taking names
cheese and crackers i've been feeling some type of way recently but like, its not necessarily a bad way. at least it doesn't feel like it. not yet anyway.
but things have been going pretty good since i came back from vacation, although i'm SO OVER having to drive everywhere already again, give me back my good public transportation.
AND CHEAP SNACKS!! snackies are so expensive, literally went to work one day, got upset i had to drive, then when i get off work late i can't go anywhere for food except for like, CVS or something.
and CVS had the balls to charge 7 dollars for a drink and a candy bar!!! granted it was a 2 liter but still!! i couldv'e gotten so much shit from the konbini for 7 dollars!! i wanna go back!!
thats the plan though, we are going back, but not in the summer that shit was miserable to walk around in. and i wanna be able to wear cute outfits instead of tank tops and shorts every day.
BUT ANYWAY.
also when i came back from japan, i got a raise! but my hours have also been severely cut because it always works like that doesn't it. ugh.
its like, 17 hours instead of the normal 28 i usually get for part time. and it's still part time, but there's a bright side to it at least because one of the ladies i work with is offering to put in a good word for me with city hall because there may be an opening coming up due to a uh, situation happening down there that i don't think i can talk about publicly because i'm not supposed to talk about it. but ya know, office gossip travels teehee.
which is weird because theres apparently another thing happening at the other place i'm trying to nepo baby my way into via my aunt, but that ones way more complicated and also i don't think im allowed to talk about either.
fucking, what are the odds that the lady thats supposed to review my application would be under investigation while i try to switch jobs? man.
in other news i've been working on and off of a 3d model of someones character that i thought was super cute because i figured hey, they've been radio silent for a couple months theres no way they'll see me doing my silly little hobby until like, after i finish probably. which is fine by me tbh.
and wouldn't you know it like three days after i started they dm me and say hey this looks sick lemme know when its finished.
sure will dude! thanks for looking! why'd you have to come back now!!!!
sorry i'm a reclusive little hermit crab and the horrifying ordeal of being known frightens me back into my shell. but it was nice of them to message me because i think they make cool stuff.
maybe i'll make more cool people cool stuff once i finish this thing i'm working on. just to keep the momentum rolling like i had way back in the day.
Date: 8/16/2024
Mood: refreshed
but completely exhausted
kicks in the door HEYYYYYYYY WHATS UP. ITS MEEEEEEEEE
so i had my first vacation in like. years. and i went all the way to japan for it because a friend was nice enough to buy my ticket.
my friends are so nice what the fuck. but anyway. two whole weeks of no work and japan. what a time.
granted it was not a relax on the beach kind of vacation, we had to hoof it everywhere. which ya know, to be expected. except walking everywhere wasn't nearly as miserable as trying to walk everywhere back home
it was just as hot though make no mistake about that. don't want to go back in the summer thats for sure. but what did i do out there? a little bit of everything tbh.
+ first day we went to go get or fortunes for the trip, before that my shoe had to break. good thing i brought a second pair tho. and wouldn't you know it my luck ended up being not good from the one i pulled, because thats just how it had to be. even trying to tie it off on the little bar was a pain in the butt, so good start to the trip there, really have no one to blame but myself for that i should've packed better shoes. after that we walked a big path with really big torii gates and split off to go to a zoo, my partner got to see a sun bear for the first time and he didn't know what to make of it. they're weird looking so that tracks. also there was a washimi :D (secretary bird) and i feel like the entire time a bird showed up i was able to give a fun bird fact about them, including that secretary birds kick at like 15 horsepower and thats how they hunt snakes for food. got sunburnt big time but only on the one side of my boob. its hot as fuck outside. this will be a running trend.
+ day two we had a day to ourselves for the second half but before that we went to a ufo catcher place and spent waaaaaay too much time in there but we all got something out of at least one machine, a snow tit for me, a monkey for sork, a banana for andrei (he spent at least 50 dollars on that thing i swear) and michael got a cinnamaroll. he also got this little kuromi baggie in two tries that had a bunch of smaller goodies inside, i stole the budgie out of it because bird. we stopped at jonathons after splitting off and they had a hello kitty collab going on it netted me a cute rubber stamp keychain, also they had this gold kiwi juice and it was so tasty. the juice in japan tasted so fucking good man. didnt even think about drinking coke like half the time i just wanted the really good juice they had, and apparently i got to taste some limited time cherry juice in one of the yamanote line machines. shit was good. rest of the day was just chilling with my partner in the hotel room because it's fucking hot.
+ third day was kind of a blur, is this why people blog about things while its happening so they dont forget? that would've been a great idea but alas, here i am now struggling to remember. we ha an itinerary but it kind of, flopped around a bit.
Date: 06/22/2024
Mood: one step forward
a full sprint back
hey so like, this whole entries about animal death. just a heads up
today could've been a completely normal day man but ya know,
can't have shit in detroit
my sisters in town, she's apperantly moving like, way up north because she's breaking up with her boyfriend. we actually had a civil conversation in the applebee's so thats good. we bonded over what ssri's we take and that we can't sleep without meds, fun times. she's in town to go to drive up with mom to her dad's funeral service (i mean hes been cremated but like, still. funerals a funeral.) thats a state away and i have to feed the dogs for the weekend. i dont mind as long as mom leaves the key this time so i don't have to crawl through the dog door again. and she did.
i wish i had got there sooner.
maybe then i wouldn't have opened the door to precious dead on the floor.
she was so small. she must have been so scared.
theres no way i could've known, ya know.
but i still hate that thats how my day ended.
surprisingly sobering experience to have the guy who's digging a hole for her ask you to roll a blunt for him though, it snapped me out of it for a couple hours. i haven't been alone for about 8 hours now, whether it be from sitting at my roommates house with their new puppy to taking the other dog from my moms house for the weekend who's snoozing behind me right now at the foot of my bed. i can't close my eyes for too long without seeing her dead on the floor. i know they can't really help it, but the fact she's killed small animals before makes me think mom should have gotten rid of the other dog sooner. but that's hindsight, i guess.
good things have been happening lately, but i can't stop thinking about it. figured writing it down would help me compartmentalize a bit, but all it's given me is the sniffles and a headache again.
moms gone from having three dogs to one. i feel the worst for her honestly. she's up in another state and not coming back until sunday, she has to sit with that all weekend. i can't imagine how upsetting it was to hear me over the phone hysterical about one of her dogs killing the other. having to work through her grief to call someone to help clean up and bury her because i couldn't get myself off the floor.
i'm angry. i'm sad. i'm numb. and it just keeps circling around. but i'll live. it just has to hurt for awhile.
Date: 02/03/2024
Mood: let's try that again
start from the top
-swatting the cobwebs off this place- ayo whats up you aren't getting rid of me that easily
so that last entry was. dire. but some good news and bad news:
bad - i'm about to have to move back in with my grandma. Again. it's 2017 all over again man. our cat just died too so that wounds still nice and fresh.
good - i'm back on my meds, sleeping normally, have a job lined up (PLEASE GOD LET IT WORK) that i have to pee in a cup for later today
hope they don't mind it being a lil bloody since the moon has stricken me with the curse once more. no i will not say it normally, i am nothing without my theatrics
but also i've been somewhat consistently doing art the past like. months. hard to tell when i havent been able to sleep well since august of last year
things are looking like. mildly upward. its not a straight incline but it's better than the fucking downward spiral i've been on since... august of last year;;;;
if things can just continue working out slightly okay. please i am on my knees begging i am not the strongest soldier i am a little jester and my bells hurt
Date: 11/03/2023
Mood: another year down the drain
nothing to show for it
couldn't sleep. haven't been able to sleep correctly for a while now
things are still not good. feeling about on level with the entry below.
i'll be real clinical with anyone reading this though:
i am not a danger to myself or others.
i am just Tired.
and i'm going to keep being tired until things start working out a little better for me. or maybe get my medication refilled. whichever comes first.
i finally caught covid and broke my 4 year clean streak and it coincided with a bunch of job interviews so. ya know. couldn't go to those to finally find an outside job and stop being a computer people full time
ever so slowly realizing that the pandemic has made me much more agoraphobic than i was before we got shut inside. thats neat.
things are rough brother.
but at least my blogs cute and pink to distract from it.
Date: ▓͉̗̭̳͍̝ͅ ̘̀▓̼ ̬̻/͍̟͉̤͎̤̯́ ̧̘͖̜▓̪̹̯͢ ͝▓̙̟͔͈̣̱/̪2̡͖͍͈̬̟02̹̘̫̥̞̤ ̰▓̞͕̳̩͓
Mood: ▓̷̯͍̣̞̻̮̩ ͠▓͕͡ ̗̰̖͍̬̬͖▓̼͍͎̘̞͢ͅ ͡▓̵̦͇̲̬ ̭̬̫̠̹͎▓̠̲̣ ̪̹̣▓̨͉̤̗͇̗̤ ͢▓̳ ͢▓̣
▓̜͎ ▓ ̨̼̙͕̗▓̮ ̴▓̸ ̝▓̪͎̗̝̕ ̻͇̦͇͔̠̱͟▓̙͈̘̬̜͠ ̪̬͈̩▓̣̬̭̯̼͝
i͠t has͝ b͞e̕e̶n.҉ a̸ ͡tìme͠
͠i̵m͡ ͞stil̵l͏ hol͞d͞i͠n̢g̢ o̷n. j͠ust͟ ́b͞ar̡el͟y̴
̸i͞ ͡d̀o҉n̸t ̷kņow͟ ́for ͡h͝o͡w ͠m̷u̧çh͠ longe̵r t̨h̸ough
͏i ̧w̨ish̶ so̷me̷thi̢n̕g ̛would͠ work out͝ f̛or̡ ͞me. j͟us̵t͞ ón͟ce
i̢͊̊̉̈́̋ͪ̾ͮ̄́m̎ͯͫ ̢͋̎̏ͫ͝s̵ͧ̏͊̉ͭ̎ͦ̀͝ỏ̄͂ͬ̚ ͪ͐͊̆̆t̃̋̈́͌͗̇͌̍͞i͑̋ȑͥͥę͆̋́̈́ͦͪͨ͢͞d̢ͬ͑̌̈͆ͬ̂ͪ͝
Date: 05/29/2023
Mood: ♡ mew mew minto ♡
♡ metamorphosis! ♡
oh dear, i fear i've neglected this place a small bit, i wish i had happier news as to why, but unfortunately the long and short of it is: i've been so very blue.
managed to pick up a small 3d modeling commission and in the middle of it, boom, four days i simply cannot get out of bed. the brain fog, it has me in it's thorny grasp and refuses to break its cold grip on my mind and body.
although i have a very simple solution to that, a doctors appointment to get my medication refilled! but another pit in the road to success is that my work has sufficiently kicked me to the curb and i have been jobless for close to, oh, a month now i'd say. brain fog makes it hard to keep track of time as well, you see. a small silver lining, a place my roommate is working at has an opening, but i'll have to wait until july for it to actively recruit me as thats when the classes start, according to the little email i received.
another silver lining is that we're finally leaving this awful awful place behind and moving to another house, much nicer neighborhood and slightly cheaper rent as well, plus my roommates have worked with me that if i keep the house clean i can pay half rent until i actively get a job again. thankful for that, love living with my friends, i feel so very bad that i keep failing them over and over again but am beyond grateful they keep giving me a chance to make it right.
i really do have incredible friends, both close by and far away.
i'm so very thankful for that.
so i have to keep going, for them. all of them. ♡
Date: 04/17/2023
Mood: think think think...
daisy daisy, give me your answer do
i feel like i have wasted the day away because i simply cannot stay awake
what a terrible night to have a curse. the curse of mother natures monthly visit. truly i cannot wait until i am allowed to rip this horrible organ out of my body for good.
but i am stuck in a tough place now, my work has shifted once again and has left most of us high and dry and it is not the best time for this to happen.
fingers crossed that the pay period is still the same, we will see once monday actually rolls around for the day time business dwellers.
also. my internet has decided to take a nose dive in quality that even the swapping of a modem has only barely fixed. it angers me that i do not have access to the undercarriage to fix it myself but alas.
not much of interest has happened beyond that other than feeling like i'm stuck in a loop of the same day over and over again as my sleep schedule gets worse and worse
i'm trying to make what little bit of my medication i have left last until i can save up for a doctor visit again and refill my prescription. but it's wearing down on my psyche so heavily.
i already can't keep track of the hours and days, not being able to sleep well is only making it worse. and this sore in the back of my throat making it hard to eat refuses to get any better
stress is pulling me apart like a string cheese. i hope i am at least delicious in my suffering sob sob :C
Date: 03/30/2023
Mood: dreamy... stars in my eyes
head in the clouds
i come to you during the day for once! i know amazing. a sneaky little fae has stolen my attention this time and made me wander the wide web when i should instead be focusing on my work
which i am so very happy to say that despite this job having, well, somewhat lacked in the legitamacy department at first, it has paid my rent successfully and i am willing to look the other way for now.
although, i seem to have picked a terrible day to try and actually get anything done, as the time tracking site we use is having every problem under the sun. at least on the website side. the app has yet to go belly up so fingers crossed it stays working long enough for me to at least get an hour in, ahaha;;;
but alack and alay, what am i here to tarry on about today?
well my wonderful partner has pointed out something to me about my chronic tummy hurt disease in that it may be something other than just IBS.
have you heard of celiac disease? because i sure haven't.
and apparently, it's more common than i thought it was. 1% of the entire population. thats about the same amount of people who are natural red heads. crazy to think about!!
with this new found knowledge i'll have to test and see if this is the key to whats actually wrong with my guts. if it does turn out to have a grain of truth in it, no pun intended, it's going to be a major blow to my diet. because i love bread so so much and having to give it up may just break my little heart, but if it means i can live a little more comfortably it is a sacrifice i will have to make. even if i don't wanna :C
Date: 03/23/2023
Mood: high alert (for better or worse)
uh oh. . .
insomnia has once again taken my attention, even though i have been sleeping so so well these past few days.
turns out, i have to let the kind angels in my blood sing me their lullaby to get to sleep. now, is that a drawn out way to say i have to lay in silence instead of listening to youtube videos until the ringing in my ears knocks me out?
i mean, yeah. but tinnitus isn't nearly as romantic as having a haunting enigma sing me her saccharine melody to soothe my weary eyes now is it
but onto much less cheerful subject matter, the reason my sleeplessness has once again reared its ugly head. you see, i live in what some would ungraciously call the 'bad side of town', myself included because it has proven that title is very much deserved.
while my neighbors aren't terrible people (i recall a late night helping the older woman across the street get her dog back inside because her son wasn't home from work yet to chase it back, and another day lending a leash to a younger kid down the road to bring his dog back home. lot of dogs running around the neighborhood, it drives Doofus up a wall, but what can you do /shrug; )
there is almost constant nebulous gun fire day and night, sometimes far away, sometimes what sounds like a few houses over, sometimes in the yard of the house across the street because they just.
play with those.
in the yard.
for some reason.
anyway.
around about 2am there were multiple heavy artillery sounding shots, so close they woke up Both of my roommates, and so loud the vc chat could actually hear it for once. and then about half an hour later, police were knocking on the door.
so yeah, suffice to say i'm not having a snooze anytime soon tonight ahaha. . . the sooner we can move away from here the better. i can't take much more of these nights afraid i won't wake up tomorrow because someone got into an argument and decided a gun was the answer.
Date: 03/14/2023
Mood: sleepy sheepy
ring ring hello?
finally sat down to make my blog actually nice and tolerable to look at. all it took was a bought of insomnia ahaha;;;
it feels nice to have a place to myself because tungle finally decided to be hostile to me about something
i.e. someone read my tags and decided the language i was using regarding my ed recovery wasn't correct enough for them.
maybe if you just fuck off next time it'll save us both the headache♡
anyways, the landing page is working how i wanted it to, i just have to fill up the rest of the links yay!
i do wonder how this is going to work, i've not tried brute forcing a new blog post in here yet... how do i wanna do it i wonder.... hm hm hm...
no more thinking right now, that's a problem for a future much less sleepy me