i am not a danger to myself or others.

i am just Tired.

oh dear, i fear i've neglected this place a small bit, i wish i had happier news as to why, but unfortunately the long and short of it is: i've been so very blue.
managed to pick up a small 3d modeling commission and in the middle of it, boom, four days i simply cannot get out of bed. the brain fog, it has me in it's thorny grasp and refuses to break its cold grip on my mind and body.
although i have a very simple solution to that, a doctors appointment to get my medication refilled! but another pit in the road to success is that my work has sufficiently kicked me to the curb and i have been jobless for close to, oh, a month now i'd say. brain fog makes it hard to keep track of time as well, you see. a small silver lining, a place my roommate is working at has an opening, but i'll have to wait until july for it to actively recruit me as thats when the classes start, according to the little email i received.
another silver lining is that we're finally leaving this awful awful place behind and moving to another house, much nicer neighborhood and slightly cheaper rent as well, plus my roommates have worked with me that if i keep the house clean i can pay half rent until i actively get a job again. thankful for that, love living with my friends, i feel so very bad that i keep failing them over and over again but am beyond grateful they keep giving me a chance to make it right.
i really do have incredible friends, both close by and far away.
i'm so very thankful for that.

so i have to keep going, for them. all of them. ♡

i feel like i have wasted the day away because i simply cannot stay awake
what a terrible night to have a curse. the curse of mother natures monthly visit. truly i cannot wait until i am allowed to rip this horrible organ out of my body for good.
but i am stuck in a tough place now, my work has shifted once again and has left most of us high and dry and it is not the best time for this to happen.
fingers crossed that the pay period is still the same, we will see once monday actually rolls around for the day time business dwellers.
also. my internet has decided to take a nose dive in quality that even the swapping of a modem has only barely fixed. it angers me that i do not have access to the undercarriage to fix it myself but alas.
not much of interest has happened beyond that other than feeling like i'm stuck in a loop of the same day over and over again as my sleep schedule gets worse and worse
i'm trying to make what little bit of my medication i have left last until i can save up for a doctor visit again and refill my prescription. but it's wearing down on my psyche so heavily.
i already can't keep track of the hours and days, not being able to sleep well is only making it worse. and this sore in the back of my throat making it hard to eat refuses to get any better
stress is pulling me apart like a string cheese. i hope i am at least delicious in my suffering sob sob :C

i come to you during the day for once! i know amazing. a sneaky little fae has stolen my attention this time and made me wander the wide web when i should instead be focusing on my work
which i am so very happy to say that despite this job having, well, somewhat lacked in the legitamacy department at first, it has paid my rent successfully and i am willing to look the other way for now.
although, i seem to have picked a terrible day to try and actually get anything done, as the time tracking site we use is having every problem under the sun. at least on the website side. the app has yet to go belly up so fingers crossed it stays working long enough for me to at least get an hour in, ahaha;;;
but alack and alay, what am i here to tarry on about today?
well my wonderful partner has pointed out something to me about my chronic tummy hurt disease in that it may be something other than just IBS.
have you heard of celiac disease? because i sure haven't.
and apparently, it's more common than i thought it was. 1% of the entire population. thats about the same amount of people who are natural red heads. crazy to think about!!
with this new found knowledge i'll have to test and see if this is the key to whats actually wrong with my guts. if it does turn out to have a grain of truth in it, no pun intended, it's going to be a major blow to my diet. because i love bread so so much and having to give it up may just break my little heart, but if it means i can live a little more comfortably it is a sacrifice i will have to make. even if i don't wanna :C

insomnia has once again taken my attention, even though i have been sleeping so so well these past few days.
turns out, i have to let the kind angels in my blood sing me their lullaby to get to sleep. now, is that a drawn out way to say i have to lay in silence instead of listening to youtube videos until the ringing in my ears knocks me out?
i mean, yeah. but tinnitus isn't nearly as romantic as having a haunting enigma sing me her saccharine melody to soothe my weary eyes now is it
but onto much less cheerful subject matter, the reason my sleeplessness has once again reared its ugly head. you see, i live in what some would ungraciously call the 'bad side of town', myself included because it has proven that title is very much deserved.
while my neighbors aren't terrible people (i recall a late night helping the older woman across the street get her dog back inside because her son wasn't home from work yet to chase it back, and another day lending a leash to a younger kid down the road to bring his dog back home. lot of dogs running around the neighborhood, it drives Doofus up a wall, but what can you do /shrug; )
there is almost constant nebulous gun fire day and night, sometimes far away, sometimes what sounds like a few houses over, sometimes in the yard of the house across the street because they just.
play with those.
in the yard.
for some reason.
anyway. around about 2am there were multiple heavy artillery sounding shots, so close they woke up Both of my roommates, and so loud the vc chat could actually hear it for once. and then about half an hour later, police were knocking on the door.
so yeah, suffice to say i'm not having a snooze anytime soon tonight ahaha. . . the sooner we can move away from here the better. i can't take much more of these nights afraid i won't wake up tomorrow because someone got into an argument and decided a gun was the answer.

finally sat down to make my blog actually nice and tolerable to look at. all it took was a bought of insomnia ahaha;;;
it feels nice to have a place to myself because tungle finally decided to be hostile to me about something
i.e. someone read my tags and decided the language i was using regarding my ed recovery wasn't correct enough for them.
maybe if you just fuck off next time it'll save us both the headache♡
anyways, the landing page is working how i wanted it to, i just have to fill up the rest of the links yay!
i do wonder how this is going to work, i've not tried brute forcing a new blog post in here yet... how do i wanna do it i wonder.... hm hm hm...
no more thinking right now, that's a problem for a future much less sleepy me